Confliction
(This post is a ramble. It doesn’t flow and it’s full of sentence fragments. But it’s my blog and I needed to get my feelings out, so deal with it.)
I’m an idea person. A risk-taker. An entrepreneur. And for me, these qualities are in direct competition with being a homeschooling parent.
For 8 years I’ve been struggling with this conflict between wanting a career and wanting to raise my kids. I can’t find a balance.
I don’t want to get a job. I want to create a project. Like I’ve done in the past. Something that’s mine, something I’m passionate about. And I am so very fortunate that I have the luxury of doing that. I don’t need to work.
I have ideas. I have passion. I have money. I have skills. What do I lack? Time.
I have lots of ideas and one by one I see them being implemented by other people. My husband always tells me, “It doesn’t matter if someone else is already doing it. You just need to do it better.” Problem is, I don’t have the time to do it better.
Some days I just feel like throwing my hands in the air and resigning myself to motherhood. Forget about writing, blogging, designing, creating. Just play. Spend more time exploring the world and learning with the kids. Getting home improvement projects done. Being more disciplined about shopping and food. Giving more to my husband. It sounds like a nice, relaxing life.
But it’s not enough for me. In fact, it’s boring me to tears and completely stressing me out. And I feel bad saying that. I feel guilty that I’ve been given this wonderful life and I simply complain about it constantly. But the truth is it’s just. not. enough.
I don’t know where to go from here. Giving more attention to one thing necessarily means sacrificing something else because there are only 24 hours in a day. How do I decide what to sacrifice? Will I be sorry in the future if I sacrifice the “wrong” thing?
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