It’s easy to find instructions on how to live a successful life. Take a peek in any bookstore or surf the web for a few minutes. You will find all types of advice. However, directions on how to live a miserable, failure-ridden life are much harder to come by.
Here are five sure fire, proven methods to launch you down the path to a crappy and unpleasant life. Let’s just keep these tips between you and me though, I do not want a stampede here on our site.
1. Have unrealistic expectations.
This is easy. Take your biggest, worst, most insurmountable problem and commit to fixing it within 7 days. Once you realize it is impossible to fix in 7 days, make a plan to beat it in 30 days instead. Excellent thinking, your failure is nearly guaranteed since virtually no big problem or huge success is realized in 7 days, 30 days or any other completely random number.
2. Believe you need to have high self-esteem to succeed.
Really and truly believe the commonly accepted fact that success is only possible for people with high self-esteem. If you are one of the many people unfortunate enough to suffer from low self-esteem you might as well give up. Heck, I’m surprised you haven’t already! Shhhh, nobody would believe that one gets high self-esteem by doing things they were not sure they could.
3. Do not know exactly what you want.
Want a job? Okay, then go to interviews wearing jeans, chewing gum and without a resume. When asked, tell the person hiring you that “anything” is fine, because you weren’t even sure what the position is, you just heard they had openings. Want a girlfriend? Well, just start asking random women out until someone says yes. Make it clear that it is really not them you are interested in, you would have taken anyone. Make sure they understand you are just biding time until someone hotter comes along. Trust me this will work! It’s hard to be happy or successful in work, love or even life if when asked what you’d like your response is inevitably “anything is okay”. It is an excellent way to ensure you have no direction.
4. Expect others to feel sorry for you.
Want to fail? Want to have a crappy life without any true friends? I’ve got the answer! Find people and talk to them until they feel sorry for you. Make sure they understand how hard your life is, how unfairly you have been treated and how none of it is your fault. Remember to always pepper these statements with how much easier their life is. Oh! Don’t forget to call them every time something bad happens (such as the milk in your refrigerator expiring) and update them. This is sure to win you friends and influence people.
5. Be an expert, very meticulous planner.
Planning is important. All self-help books say so. If you decide to set a goal (which I strongly discourage), rigidily plan exactly how you will get there and be very unwilling to make concessions. If you want to lose weight, decide exactly what you are going to eat every day for the next month and detail how much weight you are going to lose each and every day. When you are unsuccessful at sticking exactly to your plan, make it more rigid and meticulous. This is guaranteed to work. Yep, your life will quickly become miserable and given enough time you will fail. Go team!
Well, what are you waiting for? You have the tools, now get to it! Make me proud. Please feel free to add to the list, as this kind of knowledge is haaaard to find…