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Thursday, February 12, 2009

How To Get Your Wife to Give You a Blow Job | How To Do Things.com

I know, guys. I feel your pain. It’s as if Christmas disappeared when you were a kid. Santa forgot where you lived. Or as if cable no longer had sports channels. The volume on your hardcore stereo system only goes to “2.” Home Depot has suddenly stopped selling tools, all beer is non alcoholic and has the taste of Brussels sprouts.

You’re just not getting any blow jobs at home.

You poor baby. You had no idea that when you put that ring on your bride’s finger, it would magically take away her willingness to give you, shall we say, mouth hugs?

Or maybe you’re just in a long term relationship that has lost that loving feeling. And short of leaving a banana peel on the floor and hoping she trips and falls mouth first onto your erection, what’s a horny boy to do?

Listen to Mama Lora, that’s what. So if you want to have your lady more eager to devour your manhood, then read on…

  1. Send in the reinforcements. Positive reinforcements, that is. Hey, you think you men are the only ones with a healthy ego? Think again. If my boyfriend tells me that I have mad oral sex skills, you better believe that I’m more “inspired” to keep up the good work, so to speak. Let your lady know that you are fantasizing over her beautiful lips, how great it feels to be in her mouth, how it turns you on just thinking about it. She wants to feel special, that she is your fantasy, your sexual goddess, so compliment her abilities. She will want to use them more often.
  2. Mind your manners when we’re minding your manhood. That’s right, Mister. You have to be a good host. If you want your woman to spend quality time visiting your Casa Del Erection, make yourself inviting. That means take a shower, use some soap, make certain you smell all nice and purdy down there. No one wants to have to smell something along the lines of burnt tire and sweaty dead possum, am I right? We’d do the same for you. And don’t think you’re helping by pushing our heads down. Um, not every girl out there has some crazy tunnel deep throat. It only makes us a little gun shy, know what I mean? And I have YET to meet a woman who loves to have her head shoved down and be forced to gag uncontrollably. If you want to request or suggest something to make this experience better for you, simply say it. Unless your wife is deaf, she’ll figure it out.

    And as for the grand finale… if you smoke, or eat a lot of meat, or like to drink a lot, well, I got news for you. You may not taste like a chocolate milkshake. You can sweeten your “protein shake” by adding pineapple, pineapple juice, and berries into your diet. Remember, the more you do to make the blowjob enjoyable for her as well, the more often you're likely to get one!

  3. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose! You want oral sex? Well, guess what? SO DO WE! And not just some 5 second licky licky. You want to spend some time pleasing your woman, asking her if she likes the speed, if you’re hitting the money spot. And if she’s digging it, then DON’T STOP! One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that why should they give their husbands oral sex when they aren’t getting any in return. So keep that in mind. You want to give AND receive, don't you? So, maybe you surprise HER first with some oral lovin’ and when you tell her how much you desire her the next night, she’ll probably happily oblige.
  4. You likey the BJ? She likey the flowers? Problem solved! OK, you may call it bribery. I call it a win / win situation. Remember when you were first dating? No? Can’t remember back that far? OK, let me refresh your memory. That’s when you guys just did nice things for each other because you knew it would make your mate happy. Why not try that again? If it makes you smile that she puts Mr. Happy in her mouth in the morning, great. If it makes her smile when she gets flowers later on in the day from you, saying thinking of you, Great Times Two. Kind words and kind acts go a long way with us, men. Take advantage of that piece of knowledge.

You just have to put yourselves in our shoes, if you want us to put you in our mouths. Once you do that, the next noise you’ll hear will be your eyes rolling out of your head and onto the floor.

Have fun and happy sex.

How To Get Your Wife to Give You a Blow Job | How To Do Things.com

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