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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Mother's Wisdom.

After I had children I realized there was a lot of information left out of the first time parenting manuals. Although most of them mention what to expect when you're expecting, or give advice on what to do during childbirth, none of them mention what you're really in for during the next eighteen years. So, for what it's worth, here is a collection of household tips, motherly wisdom, and observations I have acquired.

Houshold tips:

  • It is possible to make a bottle, change a diaper, and wind the automatic swing without remembering your full name or the day of the week.

  • It is possible to take a knot out of wet shoelaces with your teeth.

  • You don't need to figure out how to work the sewing machine to be a good mother.

  • Girl Scout patches can be attached with a hot glue gun and stapler.

  • Any machine that makes homemade bread or sews makes a good car jack.

Time Management:

  • There is no such thing as a quick walk around the block with children. Every five steps you will have to stop to pick a flower in your neighbor's yard, toss a large rock, and wait for a snail to move.

  • During the first eight seconds of a phone conversation, it is possible for children to go into the refrigerator, stuff an entire box of raisins up their nose, eat all of the expensive cheese, and hog-tie the cat with the jumprope.

  • Trying to dress a toddler in a hurry is more difficult than stuffing a giant octopus into a loose mesh bag.

On Giving:

  • It's possible to make a gift out of a shoebox, scotchtape, and aluminum foil.

  • Grandparents will love a gift made out of a shoebox, scotch tape, and aluminum foil.

  • Any toy that requires assembly will never look like the picture on the box.

  • Any toy that requires assembly will never be as fun to play with as the box.


  • Red Popsicles and yellow Kool-Aid will make an orange stain on white silk blouse.

  • Nothing will get peanut butter out of the VCR.

  • Be suspicious of any food that comes in blue.


  • No matter how many hours you spend packing the car for a quick trip to the store, you will always forget the one item the baby will need the most.

  • You can create extra space in your livingroom by putting the wooden blocks under the footrest of the recliner, stacking the Legos around the television set, and sliding the Hot Wheels track between the encyclopedia collection in the bookshelf. Or you can save time by moving all of your furniture into the garage.

  • Most ovens are large enough to store train track, a stack of puzzles, and a Barbie Camper.


  • There is no such thing as a bad singing voice.

  • Learn to paint with your fingers and make mud-pies with your toes without worrying about what the carpet will look like.

  • A paper with a purple crayon scribble on it might be a masterpiece to your child.

Inalienable truths:

  • Treat your children the way you want other people to treat them.

  • Never leave a PTA meeting to use the restroom.

  • There will never be a realistic "mother-of-two" Barbie.

  • The most important things you know about being a mother -- you learn from your children.
Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Mother's Wisdom.
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