How to Go on a Free Date

How to Go on a Free Date

DIzzIE [c]opyleft 2007


So you’ve got an empty wallet with a hot date being just 
around the corner and you’re worried that your usual 
schemes won’t rub off the right way on your significant 
other? After all, rushing him in through the back door 
amidst a crowd of exiting moviegoers to avoid the $8.50 
ticket price may indeed seem cheap, and holding her hair
back as she spits up the alka-seltzer mixed in with the 
crème brule to get out of paying the $200 bill at the 
city’s most posh restaurant isn’t the most romantic of 
ways to spend an evening. 

Worry not fair courtier, for here’s a walkthrough 
on how to have an entirely free evening with style.

First off, we need to take care of transportation. 
A few days in advance, pay a visit to a few prominent car 
dealerships and ask about their test drive programs. The 
good news is that not only do numerous dealerships now 
offer 24-hour test drives, many also give away promotional 
gifts like DVDs as ‘thank yous’ for the taking their 
product for a spin. The bad news is that the dealer may 
insist on running a credit check or/and ask you to leave 
your current car at the lot.

Next, let’s take care of the conventional chocolate and 
candy. Last month having written a letter to your chocolate 
manufacturer of choice (Godiva, See’s, and so forth), 
describing your great distaste with their product, and 
including a UPC code that you took off a box at the store 
or created yourself using barcode software and the fitting 
paper stock, you should now have either a coupon or a 
check for the value of the candy, or even an actual 
replacement box shipped to you. 

As for the flowers, drive by a cemetery and pick out 
a particularly appealing array. 

A couple days before the big day, call up your selected 
fine dining establishment and explain that you are the 
Food & Arts reviewer for a local community paper or a 
startup magazine and have been assigned to do a review 
of said restaurant (depending on the particular 
restaurant’s policy you may or may not have to explain 
that you are coauthoring the article, so as to explain 
the presence of your associate). Set a date and a time 
ballpark for when you’ll be coming, give your name, 
and when you show up at the restaurant simply drop 
your name. You may want to create business cards 
matching your supposed position.

Following the meal, when you’re going to the theater 
use the same technique as for the restaurant, 
with ‘food & arts’ being replaced with ‘entertainment’. 

And as for later in the night, well we all know that 
free contraceptives are available from a local health 
center. Of course, various companies would gladly 
send you a sample if you write to them requesting one; 
some, such as Trojan, have a convenient online 
request form: trojancondoms dot com/freesample.aspx

Have fun! ;)

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