Healthy vs. Toxic Love
| Healthy Love | Unhealthy or Toxic Love |
| Development of self first. | Obsession with relationship. |
| Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. | Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) |
| Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. | Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests. |
| Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. | Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. |
| Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) | Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." |
| Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. | Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. |
| Embracing of each other's individuality. | Trying to change other to own image. |
| Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. | Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. |
| Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. | Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. |
| Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) | Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) |
| Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. | Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. |
| Ability to enjoy being alone. | Unable to endure separation; clinging. |
| Cycle of comfort and contentment. | Cycle of pain and despair. |
Beattie, Melody; Co-Dependent No More
Burney, Robert; Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
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