My Advice For Any Shy, Awkward Guys Still In High-School

Looking back, I wasted most of my time in high-school. I spent almost all of my free time sitting around alone in front of the T.V. either playing video games a little too obsessively (did I really need to get all my spells up to level 8:99 in Secret of Mana?), or just watching random shows to make the time go by. That's almost literally all I had to show for my four years there. Suffice to say this didn't help me have a lot of friends or kiss a lot of girls when I got to university. If you're still in high-school here's my advice to help you avoid the same fate:

Your natural tendencies will get you down the road

The biggest issue is that the natural instincts of most guys lead them to do things that gain them social and life experience. They hang out with their friends, they learn about things most other people are interested in, they go to parties, they play team sports, and they're eager to dive into 'grown-up' activities like driving, having a job, drinking, and going to bars.

The natural instinct of dorkier guys is to do things that don't gain them much social or life experience. Some guys do have a group of friends that they hang out with, but the worst case scenario is a guy who spends all his time alone pursuing an obsessive, pointless interest.

I remember when I was about to go to university I read a few times something along the lines of, "College is great. It's a fresh start and you can totally re-invent yourself !" That's true to a point but I think overall the kind of person you were in high-school is going to be the kind of person you are when you first get to university.

Limit the time you spend on your solitary interests and consciously try to spend more time out in the social world

That's the overall lesson of this article. Your interests are fun so I'm not going to be unrealistic and tell you to give it up entirely. Hey, if you're into something like programming, physics, or drawing concept art you could be working towards a rewarding future career. But if it's all you do then you're screwing yourself for the long-term.

Don't worry too much about high-school, focus on being in good shape for when university starts

I'll just assume you're going off to university sometime after high-school ends. Building up your social skills and coolness takes time, especially if you were anything like me in high-school. Factors like being gawky and awkward as a teenager keep you from reaching your full potential anyways. So chalk the next little while up to practice and aim to be a fairly cool dude when you arrive at college.

Some thoughts on high-school

High-school is a funny kind of place. It's basically around 1000-1500 people who are all confined to a relatively small building for about seven hours a day, five days a week. Since it's such a self-contained little universe some weird things happen that don't occur in the rest of the world.

For one, everyone pretty much knows of everyone else, or they could if they wanted to. In college and the real world there are too many people, and they're too spread out for very many people to know you.

Another thing that happens is that you can get cachet for doing things in high-school that no one cares about elsewhere.

• If you play on a sports team, people will know and you'll get a certain boost in your reputation from it. The same thing happens in university, but it's a lot harder to get on the team. Once you're in the real world, no one really cares if you play in a rec. basketball league.
• Then there are always those kids that gain a certain infamy and respect because they're tough and commit crimes. After high-school these guys either change their ways because the stakes for getting arrested get too high (i.e., they're legally adults now) or they just end up becoming nobodies.
• If you're a good student people may fawn all over you and tell you how special you are for being so smart. In university you may continue to get good grades, but you probably won't be the Golden Child anymore. Or if you take a challenging major you could end up getting your butt kicked. In the real world people generally don't care how smart you are on paper. They care about how good a job you can do and how well you can get along with everyone while you do it.

A final thing that happens is that everyone cares a little too much about their status and where they stand in the big pecking order. Actually I'll say less sociable guys aren't as susceptible to this. I know I just wanted to be left alone to play my video games. Again, once high-school is over you're no longer stuck in a small building with the same people every day so this problem goes away. People worry about their own thing and their own social circle.

Why am I saying all this? Well just to let you know that the world you live in now will be done with once you graduate.

Get your appearance in order

There's really no reason to look worse than you have to. If your high-school is anything like mine was there are few kids that get a hard time solely because they look greasy and scrubbish. See: Some Basic Tips on Looking Better.

Hang out with people more than you currently do

If you already have some friends then consciously try to spend more time with them. Force yourself to overcome the "It's been three hours, I want to go home now" voice you may get. If you just have some acquaintances who you hang out with at lunch or talk to in classes then try to hang out with them outside of school. Joining a team or club is a pretty standard way to get some friends, along with the other benefits they provide. See: How To Make Friends And Get a Social Life

Also, try to hang out with people a little more socially savvy than you and aim to emulate their good traits. When you hang out with more socially awkward people try not to pick up their bad traits. I'm not saying to totally abandon your "dorky" friends in a calculated attempt to improve your social skills, or to meekly tag along with a group of cool kids who treat you like dirt (see below), but if you have a chance to hang around people who are adept socially, then go for it.

Try to spend time with the opposite sex as well, enough so that you start to see them as regular people, and not these mysterious, intimidating creatures.

Overall, just rack up those hours of social experience. However...

Don't hang out with people who treat you like crap

Tons of people have a story like this one:

"Man, back in high-school there was one dorky, awkward kid who kept trying to hang around our group. We'd make fun of him to his face, throw things at him, play mean pranks on him, and try to ditch him whenever we could. We used to make him buy us cigarettes to be able to come over to our houses, then we'd kick him out after ten minutes. The only reason we even really kept him around was because it was so fun to rip on him all the time. Whenever we went to a party we'd give him the wrong directions to the house on purpose. We started a rumor that he was gay, that some people still believe. This one girl liked him and we convinced her not to go out with him. When he learned to drive we all used him for the free rides... In hindsight we were assholes to that kid, but you know what? No matter how we treated him, he put up with it and still wanted to hang around us. What's with that?"

Don't be that kid. People in middle-school and high-school can be cruel assholes. If the group your hang around treats you like garbage then take a hint and stop hanging around with them. Don't get sucked into the mentality where you'd do anything to hang around the cool kids, even if it means taking abuse from them. Any benefits you'd get from technically being in a cool crowd are outweighed by the fact that you're going to be bitter and scarred later on in life. This isn't to say I think all "cool kids" are evil, that's too simplistic, just that you shouldn't hang around the ones who are personally mean to you.

Get some new friends if you have to. Lots of people's high-school experience changed for the better when they switched to a better social group. Even hanging out with "dorky" people who are nice to you is much better in the long run than tagging along with a "cool" group who tease you mercilessly. If you hang around the dorky, nice people, in the end you'll come out a little socially clueless maybe, but more or less well-adjusted. You can always catch up in the social skills department later. But if you've been picked on to the point of becoming messed up, then there's a harder road ahead for you.

Sometimes though there's a fine line though between hanging out with people who blatantly rip on you and just being the more boring, awkward, disposable person in the group, who occasionally gets some flak from the others. In this case you may decide that while your situation isn't ideal, there are benefits to staying with your current group. Like hanging with them may give you access to good parties and the chance to meet girls. Also, in this situation, just improving your people skills and getting over your faults may make them start taking you more seriously.

If you're a wimpy guy then learn to fight and not take crap from people

Take some sort of practical boxing or martial arts class. Start working out if your body is ready for it. If you feel weak and easily intimidated by other people than do what you can to get over that.

Stand up for yourself if you have to. Most of the time, if someone gives you a hard time they're doing it because they think you're a completely safe target. If they thought there was a chance you'd fight back they'd move on to easier pickings. Overall, if someone gives you crap then you shouldn't just take it. That's not to say you should scuffle with everyone who ribs you, but if you just stand there and take it, you're just giving people free-reign to do it again in the future. Imagine what one of the more popular kids in your school would do if you threw a piece of food at the back of his head or called him a fag. Why would you just put up with it or try to ignore it if the same thing happens to you?

Jerks and bullies get some sort of gratification and amusement from picking on people but not to the point where they'll risk getting punched in the nose to do it. It's a 'target of opportunity' thing. What this means is you don't have to be super tough, just tough enough to fall into the 'It's not worth the bother, I'll find someone else' category.

*Note, this advice is assuming you go to a run-of-the-mill suburban school. I don't know how this advice will work at a tougher high-school.

Get a job as soon as you can

First of all you'll get some money, but it's also good life experience and makes you that much more mature. Consider getting something that will improve your social skills to some degree like working retail. Being in a place that employs lots of people your age never hurts. Without being a pesky kid try to hang around some of the older guys there and absorb a thing or two from them.

Expand your social circle outside of your school

Try to have some friends that go to other schools, or who you know from other places. It's harder to care about how popular you are in one little place when you know there's a bigger world out there.

Learn to drive as soon as you can

Even if you don't see yourself as needing to drive or being able to afford a car for years to come, do it anyways. It's one of the things I regret putting off.

If money isn't a problem take up any chances you can to go on trips

If you have the opportunity to go on an exchange to another country for a semester or two, go for it. If there are optional ski-trips or excursions to other parts of the country then think about going. Go on Spring Break. It's a true cliche that traveling really makes you grow as a person.

Figure out a sport you like and get good at it

This will get you in shape, help keep your emotions nice and balanced out, and give you a good boost in confidence. If you hate team sports try something solitary like biking or rock-climbing.

Go to parties

I'm not saying you have to drink underage or smoke lots of drugs but still go out to them and be in that environment. It's where things happen.

Go to dances/proms/formals, etc.

Might as well. Go with your friends. Lots of fun to be had. Don't miss out on these types of things.

Go to bars whenever you can

That's another environment you should get used to. A head start never hurts. I'm not saying to get a fake I.D., but if there are all-ages nights or all-ages concerts you can go to give it a try. Try going to raves or outdoor festival type concerts as well.

Learn about the world and shed your innocence

I remember that towards the end of high-school and in early university people often remarked that I seemed really innocent. Of course this was because I was very socially inexperienced and really naive about the world. At that point I had never even held hands with a girl.

Try to learn about how the world works. Reading is good for this. Check out the Resource Links section of this site for some good online stuff. Read up on collge too before you get there so you'll have an idea of what to expect.

Be a social dabbler and don't put all your chips in with one clique

Try to be friendly with as many groups and types of people as you can. You can learn a lot from each of them. Try not to fall in with only one clique or subculture and develop a bitter Us vs. Them / This Scene Vs. That Scene mentality.

Go traveling before going to university

I'd seriously consider taking a year-off to do it, but even if you backpack around Europe, Australia, or SouthEast Asia for the summer you'll be doing yourself a huge favor. Doing the backpacking thing is similar to going to university in a lot of ways so you'll be making yourself better prepared. It's incredibly fun as well. I wrote about it in this article.

If you do go to university, don't stay at home if you can manage it...

...and if you do move away from home don't get your own place off campus. You want to be where the social action is.

Living on your own is a good experience. I'm biased because I'm an independent guy by nature, but from what I've seen staying at home too long makes you immature and useless.

Don't believe all the hype about you having to know what you want to do with your life by the time you're seventeen

The social skills advice is concluded but I had to throw this in here. When you're a senior, or even a junior, you'll be feeling a lot of pressure to pick your major for university and have your future all planned out. The people telling you this mean well but feel free to ignore them. Here are some reasons why deciding on a major at 17 is over-rated:

• You could get to university and find you hate it in general. Our society is very university focused right now. You could also learn a trade or become an entrepreneur. You don't have to get a degree then get an office job. You may not be a good fit for that world.
• You could get to university and find you hate your major right away.
• You could get to university and find you hate your major a few years into it once you learn more about what it all entails.
• You could get your degree but your interests and goals have changed by that point.
• You could get your degree then realize you hate the job it qualifies you to do.
• You could not mind the job but hate the life style that goes along with it.
• You could work at the job for a few years then get bored with it and move on to something else.

You can go to school and train for a job at any time in your life. You're not going to become destitute or fall hopelessly behind if you don't start right after high-school. I know a couple people who didn't go to uni after high-school, or dropped out soon after, and spent the next several years not doing much with their lives. Then one day when they were 23, or 25, or 28 they figured things out, enrolled in classes, and were on their way. Hey, sometimes people in their 40's or later have to change careers. They retrain and are in okay shape a few years later. Don't believe the hype.

I'll end this article with a cliche. Time is your most valuable resource and once it's gone you can't get it back. Don't wait, starting improving yourself now.

My Advice For Any Shy, Awkward Guys Still In High-School

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