The Multiple Facebook Personalities - The Unofficial Facebook Blog

How do you use Facebook? Brandon Rennels sent me a message last night notifying me of his findings after using Facebook for the past four years. He appears to have an interest in anthropology as he has compiled a fairly substantial list of user types. Do you fit any of these?

The Addict
The symptoms are obvious: Facebook as the home page, giving up going on Facebook for Lent, and an inability to distinguish actual news from the News Feed. The Addict spends sleepless nights rummaging through old photo albums and wall posts.

The Adding Machine
How is it possible for someone to have so many friends? Easy, everyone likes receiving new friend requests, and The Adding Machine takes full advantage of that. Day in and day out they add strangers, with hopes of it translating into real friends. Easy to spot by the ridiculously large amount of friends and impossibly small number of wall posts.

The Ambiguitor
Are they in or out of the closet? “Interested In” and “Looking For” changes often, and while browsing through photos may provide clues, The Ambiguitor likes to keep you guessing. Maybe it’s because they aren’t sure themselves.

The Application Junkie
Has every application known to man due to the unfortunate combination of a lack of friends and a surplus of time. The Application Junkie has a tendency to invite all their friends to become “pirates” or “vampires” or “zombies” or “slayers”, but doesn’t realize that if you didn’t accept the first 10 requests, the outlook on 11 and beyond doesn’t look too good.

The Awkward Adder
After the friendship is consummated on Facebook, things turn sour. The reasons for adding may vary but the result is always the same: awkward! You see The Awkward Adder in the halls, on the street, and while the first post-add encounter may be a “hello” or a head nod, you soon begin avoiding the person when you see them. Yet you don’t defriend them…

The Blast from the Past
Didn’t know them in high school and you don’t know them now, but that doesn’t stop The Blast from the Past from adding you as a friend. “Hey Brandon didn’t you have Mr. Spitz for Chemistry at PCEP?” Yes but that doesn’t mean we’re friends!

The Comment Whore
Is the first to comment on new photos, regardless of the time of day they are posted. Whenever someone comments afterwards, a reply-to-the-reply is pretty much a given. The Comment Whore’s behavior can be explained by a desire to be a part of the action 24/7.

The Crusader
Most people’s profile reflects a wide array of interests, but The Crusader has only one. It may be going green, promoting diversity, or getting Chuck Norris on the presidential ballot; regardless, their cause is out there. Oftentimes they have written heartfelt notes, created events, and joined multiple groups rallying around their cause.

The De-tagger
Read one too many “employers-are-on-facebook” articles and thus de-tags every possible objectionable item for fear of their debauchery finding its way to the company recruiters. The De-tagger has been known to delete photo comments and wall posts, and their profile is almost always private.

The Drunk
Pretty much self-explanatory. Easy to spot by the ratio of photo comments and wall posts from 2am-4am as compared to any other time of day. SOMETIMES THE DRUNK’S POSTS ARE IN ALL CAPS AS IF TO SAY, “HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” Oter timse ervtything iss speld wrogn. May the time stamp be the judge.

The Fake
Beautiful body, gorgeous face, a perfect smile…and no photos tagged with other people? If it smells like a rat… The Fake’s profile is noted for the geographically diverse friends, lack of friends from high school or college and wall posts that begin with “We haven’t met but I just wanted to say…”

The Flaunter
Inspiring Theodore Roosevelt quotes, a list of activities a mile long, and an “About Me” that rivals Thoreau. The Flaunter looks amazing on paper (er…webpage) but only by conversing with their friends can you find out if they are indeed all that, or if they are just a damn good writer.

The Late Bloomer
They resisted. They really did. For months, years possibly, The Later Bloomer heard friends gushing about Facebook and how great it was; but because they don’t like following trends they avoided it. However, as the features increased and the pressure mounted, they caved. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Easily spotted by the quintessential first wall post: “Never thought I’d see the day…” or my favorite: “sellout”

The Minimalist
Only the essentials: Name, Network, Sex and maybe a couple interests. The reason? The Minimalist claims apathy but more often than not they like to view others more than they like being under the microscope.

The News Feed Neurotic
It’s as if your life was an RSS feed wired directly to their brain. “So Rennels I see you took down your relationship status, Babinec beat you at Jetman, the Shadow Council has been hanging out a lot more and you finally saw Across the Universe.” Needless to say, your life is much more exciting to The News Feed Neurotic than their own.

The Obnoxious Event Planner
“You’ve been invited to Bobby’s 23rd Surprise Birthday Bash!!” That’s great except it’s during finals, the event is in Texas and I don’t even know who Bobby is. By looking at the event page you conclude that the other 2,400 people “Not Attending” probably don’t know Bobby either. You wonder if The Obnoxious Event Planner believes in the law of large numbers or they’re just naïve. Or both.

The Past-Primer
Usually graduated from college before 2000, and thus, missed the boat. The Past-Primer has fewer than 100 friends, a photo collection of random shots over the past 10 years and wall posts consisting of “OMG I haven’t seen you in forever!!”

The Photoshop King/Queen
The profile photo is at the perfect angle, with superior lighting and precise cropping. Clicking on “view more photos” tells a much different story. The Photoshop King/Queen usually has a noticeable difference between photos they tagged of themselves and photos tagged by others.

The Picture Whore
The fact that someone can have over 40 albums in less than one year mystifies some, but to The Picture Whore it’s just another day on Facebook. Looking through the sea of photos reveals some answers: six photos of the same two people in the same place at the same time but at a slightly different angle. One would think to only post one but to them 6 photos = 6 Facebook photos.

The Poker
Even though poking has no stated purpose, that doesn’t stop The Poker from initiating an unheard of amount of “poke wars” every time they sign on. Although you think poking was so 2006, they respectfully disagree. Poke back if you dare.

The Poser
The contradictions are clear from the beginning: an application about reducing our carbon footprint and a picture of The Poser in an H2 Hummer. A “Favorite Quotes” section filled with dissertations on dignity, self-respect, and the noble pursuit of higher ideals, and an album titled “Blackout ‘08: the saga of second semester.”

The Stalker
No explanation necessary. Thank God for private profiles.

The Status Abuser
____ is bored. ____ had a long day of classes and has an even longer week ahead. ____ is watching TV. ____ wonders if anybody cares anymore. The Status Abuser wants anyone and everyone to know exactly what they are doing and thinking at any given moment in time. Greatest invention of their life? Facebook Mobile.

The Wall Post Conversationalist
A new method of communicating has emerged, which has many questioning what our society is coming to: the wall post. Never before has it taken so long to say so little, and never before have you spent so much time reading other people’s conversations. Although it would seem illogical to discuss the reasons for a breakup via a public forum, the Wall Post Conversationalist doesn’t mind blowing up your News Feed.

Brandon Rennels was kind enough to write this as a guest post. If you enjoyed this article, find him on Facebook and send him a message.

The Multiple Facebook Personalities - The Unofficial Facebook Blog

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